522 Days

Holy mother. 

I had to calculate a few times to make sure that number above was correct. It's been 522 days since I last wrote in (on?) this. 

That's not to say I haven't been writing. It's interesting to note that the decline in writing has correlated with the amount of writing I needed to do for school. I have gotten into the habit of resorting to the phrase "blame grad school" as an explanation for practically anything. Especially as a justification for any decline in consistency - whether that be with friends, family, work, anything. 

I'm tired. I'm so tired that I feel embarrassed for even thinking those other times were times where I thought I felt so tired. I think to myself, "My god! Those other times were nothing to how exhausted I feel right now. Imagine how many things I could have completed by now if I didn't convince myself then that I was so tired?!" But then again, I will probably find myself thinking the same thing about this moment a few months down the line and convince myself then that how tired I feel currently was actually minuscule. I hope not, because I can't imagine how I could ever feel more tired than I do at this moment. 

I think it's a vitamin deficiency. Which isn't too wacky of a self-diagnosis. Now that I've been cleared of some other ailments that I had hypothesized (Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lyme Disease) I think I'm running now with vitamin deficiency as the ailment to resolve. Makes sense given the last few years of fluctuating diet and assortment of conflicting medicine. And hormones. Mother fucking hormones are tearing me apart. 

Because I crave the need to feel validated in the time spent away from particular tasks I am going to make a list of things completed from the last 522 days. This is all very masturbatory, but if that's what I have to do in order to move forward with more general thoughts then so be it. 

• My last entry was April 19, 2013. 
• What's interesting is that was the night I first read for The CCNY MFA Reading Series abiding to their month's theme of "Life After..." After a few weeks of writer's block I was able to easily write a "concise" short story only after I realized the work I was originally comparing myself to (and that was contributing to my self-doubt as a writer) was not from a published genius but actually something that I had written from a few years before. Acknowledging this opened the flood gates and I was able to write The Impersonator, a brief story about cat-sitting in other people's apartments, and I knew, after the draft was done, that I had finally written something that could be read out loud. And I was correct. 
• May 2013: 
• I was asked to join The CCNY MFA Reading Series as a committee member for the next school semester. I felt honored that my excitement to build a community within the MFA realm was noticed. 
• Completed (survived) my first year (second semester) of Grad School. I finished a short one-act play (Ipsa Dixit), translated sections of a Georgian novel and some poetry, and wrote really long, drawn out stories about being a clown in New York City and a day in the Sahara Desert. Not nearly enough content that I thought I'd produce, but it was a good lesson in learning what I needed to work on- craft wise.
• I also dated a lot. I spent the entirety of that academic year meeting a lot of new people through school. I was also nursing (what was to be the beginning-ish of one injury after the next after the next after the next) either some sickness, migraine, or injury. I spent the academic year trying to figure out who it was I wanted to be in New York City and who I wanted to spend my time with. I ended up spending most of my time with some people who were not emotionally conducive for growth. Overall they weren't bad people- we just didn't fit correctly. I'm sure I was just as toxic for them as they were for me. It took months to figure that out. There were a lot of months compact with breakdowns and bad decisions. I was also in denial that I was very much in love with someone who lived 600 miles away from me. No matter who I used as a distraction I couldn't shake the hidden truth that I was waiting for someone else. The boy visited for a brief day and a half.  

• June 2013: 
• I made my first set of hand-made collage coasters. 
• I went to a NYC taping of The Soup and had Joel McHale bend down to my size for a photo (he is tall and I am not). I'm not sure if this is an accomplishment but it's something that happened. 
• I purchased a Groupon for a set of personal training gym sessions because I was finally ready to admit that I do not get much done unless someone is yelling at me to do something. 
• I returned to the Rocky Mountains in Colorado to climb some mountains with Danny.   
  
• I taught ESL for two weeks (for the second summer) to another lovely, yet rowdy, small batch of young Turkish girls. 
• July 2013: 
• The boy came to visit for fourth of July. We explored Coney Island. The visit was inspired from one of our many phone conversations about where the hell this whatever-it-was-at-the-time relationship was leading up to. It would be a long five days, the longest we had spent with one another in a year, and filled with a lot of tiny emotional moments from discussing Christmas plans for 2014 to not knowing if a long distance relationship could ever work out between the two of us. He left and I retreated to Long Island where I saved a turtle from getting run over and I cried for two days straight from heartache. 
• 
• I started a new summer job for the NYC Parks Department as a Playground Associate in TriBeCa, a total bogus job title that basically trickled down to hanging out in a park and playing fetch with 6 year old kids. There were some beautiful insightful exchanges of words between some of the young regulars and myself. They were all pretty spot on about how I was definitely underpaid and how I was probably in love and that I should resolve both of these issues.To be fair, this was the most amount of money I had ever made from any job in my entire life...but that's not saying much.
• I read my short story about the Sahara Desert, Yalla Habibi, for Say What! Productions at Old Man Hustle down in the LES. My friend Terri came all the way down from Boston to hear me read. It was one of my favorite surprises. 
• I cat-sat a lot. I was able to spend most of the summer in other folk's homes while they traveled- providing me with free rent and new scenery. I "lived" briefly in Bath Beach, Cobble Hill, Astoria, Ditmas Park, and Fort Greene.  
• August 2013: 
• Started the second year of Grad School (third semester). I was still confused about who I was. 
• Purchased my first PO box. Somehow this still didn't make me feel validated for squatting in the city, but at least I could easily collect my mail.
• I helped my friend John on some film projects he was working on. 
• I was paid for the first time for a cat-sitting gig. 

• September 2013: 
• Like most tumultuous Septembers- this one was filled with more confusing mistakes, more pining for someone nearby to hold me, more dissatisfaction with the ones who were nearby holding me, a lot of late night walks around NYC, a lot of cat-sitting in Brooklyn, and the heavy question, still, of "When did I become so academic? Did I give up on art? Who am I still? Who am I anymore?"  
• I bought a ticket to South Africa for winter break. I basically told my identity crisis to fuck off. 
• October 2013: 
• This was a time where friendships between good friends were strained and this was heavy on me because functioning happily when people I loved were at odds with one another felt impossible. Somehow I said something that seemed to mend the strained relationships. 
• I traveled for the first time by bus to North Carolina to see the boy. As always it was a sweet and sour mixture of elation and depression. 
• FINALLY I decided to go to my first session at the gym (because it was about to expire from when I bought the deal, four months earlier, in June). I finally felt centered, structured and excited to begin my early mornings right with new people who cared about similar things. 
• I started a brief position as poetry mentor for the Poetry Outreach Center - providing a poetry lesson once a week to a class of 1st graders for six weeks. 
• I also started working as a librarian assistant part-time on an off-campus facility for CCNY. This was also in addition to my current position as an academic probation advisor at another CUNY campus. 
• I successfully made my first grape pie!  
• November 2013:
• I attended the first wedding of a close friend of mine. It was like a strange mini High School reunion.
  
• I spent Thanksgiving in Santa Ana, California with Danny. I officiated his off-beat wedding with Kenny and we spent our time together running a 5k Turkey Trot, exploring mud caves, camping in mountain station huts, and early Christmas celebrating.
  
• December 2013: 
• I returned to New York from California and helped my friend Sean at a table read for a new screenplay he was working on. 
• My estranged grandmother became ill and I drove my brother and mother upstate to Schenectady to handle the logistics.
• I took a bus immediately afterwards to North Carolina to spend the winter solstice and Christmas with the boy.  
• I break the ice and told the boy I loved him. He loved me back. We spent a full week together and explored Raleigh, Chapel Hill, and attempted to climb Grandfather Mountain but it was closed. 
  
• I flew off to Johannesburg, South Africa and spent New Year's Eve alone with a glass of red wine and a mango in a stranger's (soon-to-be friend's) home. 

• January 2014:
• Braai's, braai's, braai's. Camping, camping, camping. With friends and their family.
• Reunited with Bradley (from Georgian days) after three long years. We explored Berlin Falls, Blyde Canyon, St. Lucia, swam in the Indian Ocean, saw all the wildlife, climbed Table Mountain, road tripped throughout South Africa on Rt. 62, Knsyna, Kalk Bay, Robberg Island to track down the seals, Milwood Forest for tannin lake swims, and reunited with Grant. 
  
• Drove and camped through Botswana with Ryan, explored Victoria Falls, survived a hike with baboons, crossed the footbridge bridge into Zimbabwe, wandered down suburban streets in Lusaka, Zambia. 
  
• I flew back to New York and immediately went back to work and began the fourth semester of Grad School. 
• February 2014:
• For the first time ever I had my own health insurance! 
• After a 2 1/2 month hiatus I returned to the gym. 
• Like most trips south, I hopped on a last minute bus to North Carolina for the boy. It was the first time I felt like we were a real couple. We explored Raven Rock State Park. 
• Helped John with filming his movie.
• Took a bus upstate to check in on mother, brother, and grandmother.  
• March 2014:
• Returned from upstate to cat-sit some more in Brooklyn. 
• Turned 28. Surprisingly - did not have my annual identity crisis.
• Did my first 30-day challenge for the gym. Results were skewed due to impending injuries and sicknesses. 
• The boy and I, again, clarified that we were indeed in a real, exclusive relationship. This time it actually felt real and right. Saying the title "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" still took time to adjust to. 
• I injured my wrist, took myself to the ER for the first time to relieve a finger infection, and suffered what felt like a never ending chest cold. MMA/kickboxing training comes to a slow halt. 
• April 2014:
• I caught up with an old boss from the Jim Henson Company. I felt pleased with my life-progress report. 
• I traveled to Bogota, Colombia for a few days to attend a wedding. 
  
• The boy flew to New York, and I managed to find a beautiful home to stay in for Easter in upstate Deposit. 
• My wrist injury turned into a never ending saga of full arm pain. 
• I agreed to help organize my Ten Year High School Reunion taking place in October.
• I was informed that my collection of stories (The Impersonator, Yalla Habibi, The Burrower, MINE: A Bosnian Memory about Strangers, and I Remember That One Time...) is awarded The David Dortort Prize in (Non-Fiction) Creative Writing as well as the Henry Roth Memorial Scholarship (see theme : "immigrant" experience) totaling to the baffling amount of $2300. 
• May 2014:
• I signed on to be President for the CCNY MFA Reading Series for the next academic year.
• I participated in my first mud-run, Mudderella. I fell in love with mud.
  
• I started occupational therapy for my busted up arm (to no avail). 
• I explored Bloomingdales for the first time (I was not impressed) and was converted to the land of moisturizer because...age. 
• I began participating more in paid studies because...money. 
• I purchased my very first plant which turned into two plants (because...love) and I accidentally need them Sally and Harry.
  
• My slight-heart condition from eight years prior was shifted from mild to basically non-existent.
• Completed my first Spartan Race! 
  
• Ended the second year of Graduate School on a better note. I wrote a lot more content due to the constant urging from a dedicated instructor. I wrote a homage to Nora Ephron, and stories about Bosnia, Long Island mental institutions, Egypt, and office life. I also uncovered my affection for Mark Twain. 

• June 2014:
• Gym, occupational therapy, paid studies. Repeated. 
• Drove to Schenectady to check in on the family.
• I wore a bikini for the first time in years down on Fire Island. 
• Engaged in livid arguments with the boy. The struggle of participating in a long-distance relationship proved consistently to be a roller coaster of elation and heartache. 
• I flew one way to North Carolina for 9 days for the boy. Drove to South Carolina, celebrated the Summer Solstice in Wilmington, loved Greensboro, participated in very couple-y things like photo-booth photos and going to movies.
• An annotated version of The Burrower was posted in two parts on the Billfold and I get paid (again) for a story that I wrote!
• July 2014:
• Part II of The Burrower was posted online. 
• Returned to Long Island and visited the Bronx Zoo. I left feeling confused about whether or not I enjoyed it. 
• Hopped back on an (extremely last minute) bus in a torrential rain storm to North Carolina to spend fourth of July with the boy. I arranged for a lovely waterfall hike near Morganton and Durham.
• Explored Mattituck and Greenport (again) on Long Island. 
• Participated in the Lozilu Mud Run!
  
   
• Arranged for the Word-Farm writer's retreat in Poughquag, New York with my friend Brendan, which involved us eating a lot of sweet things, me collecting chicken eggs, sleeping in a hammock, and managing "domestic bliss" (dishes and laundry). 
• Father picked me up in Kingston, New York and we drove straight to Venice, Florida. We detoured a bit in Fayetteville, North Carolina to leave a scavenger hunt for the boy and to find our own treats at South of the Border in Dillon, South Carolina. 
• Reunited with Mark (from Georgian days) after three long years. 
• Embarked on my first cruise with father to Nassau, Bahamas, explored the Everglades, the Keys, and Hemingway. Dove with the dolphins.
  
• After returning father to Long Island I turned around and drove straight back south to North Carolina for the boy.  
• August 2014:
• This was a new record for me and the boy. We were able to see one another three months in a row. We threw one another scavenger hunts. Together, we drove to South Carolina to explore the strange wonders of South of the Border.
• I drove straight back to New York City, arriving on time for the next morning's first day of ESL class (instructing for the third summer). I worked with a wide mixture of Turkish teenage girls.
• I made the decision to quit hormones and start life again as a free-range woman to see if it would help ease my ailments. 
• Construction began on the 2nd floor of the Long Island home (that was uprooted from Sandy). This forced me to go through everything that I had been saving for the last 28 years (and everything else that I put on pause when Sandy hit two years before). I made some interesting discoveries. I began the month-long process of converting the old space into a new writing space.  From this: 
  
• To this: 
  
• Started the third year (fifth semester!) of Grad School. I embraced the art of poetry.

• September 2014:
• Migraines with auras returned throwing everything off-balance again. Both arms decided to stop trying to heal. Pain. A lot of pain. 
• Attempted, once again, to understand the food stamp process so I can feed myself.
• Attended the Slice Literary Conference for the 3rd time on scholarship. This time felt like I was closer to feeling like a real writer. 
• Made more coasters! 
  
• Kicked off the new CCNY MFA Reading Series program. 
• After, yet again, another 3 month hiatus I returned to the gym! 
• I read for Sean's table-read, his collaboration with another playwright.
• Helped Brendan at home on the UWS adjust to non-hospital/broken-leg life. 
• Returned to Schenectady to check in on mother, grandmother, and brother. All three of them at some point this month have suffered some sort of injury or sickness.

And imagine more of the same- a lot of back-and-forth between Long Island, upstate, and New York City. Plus the multitude of doctor visits. 

With the Fall equinox officially underway I accept the end of this summer and allow for my leaves to whither, crunch, move, listen. I'm ready, finally, for a new change. I'm ready for the few moments of consistency again. I'm ready to hopefully not feel so exhausted, if possible.